Contrasts & An Oxymoron

Sometimes life feels like one big oxymoron. Time flies in a sense, but it drags on so tortuously.

What brought me to this conclusion is the delightful time we call exam preparation. The reason I despise this period so greatly is partially due to the fact that studying is my worst nightmare.

Speaking of nightmares, I have been lucky enough to have a few regarding the impending exams. I dreamt my overall mark was a 72% (pass is a 70%), and I wrote the exam, and can you imagine what my mark was? Yes, a 0. Of course. As a result, I failed the course, and woke up. It was one of those dreams where it felt so real that I almost succumbed to a panic attack, but managed to stave it off, with my half-conscious state, and drifted back into what must have been a relatively peaceful sleep.

The following morning however, I still felt the repercussions of that nightmare, and had to continually remind myself throughout that day that I didn't have a 72% overall mark, and I hadn't written the exam yet, and therefore did not receive a 0, and had not failed. It was a challenge, I won't lie.

Back to studying. As a baby, my mother tells me I rarely napped. It irked me for years that I was incapable of lying down in the afternoon to make up for lost sleep, but I finally found the secret. Give me a textbook and the impending doom of an exam, and I will pass out on the spot. I took a 2.5hr nap one day this week, which exhausted me for the rest of the day, rendering me even more incapable of studying. It's as if my eyes see a textbook and my body shuts down; a defense mechanism if you will.

People have told me over and over again, "you just have to sit down and do it!" I'm sorry, but if it was as simple as that, I would be 100% prepared for every single test I've ever had to write. There are articles galore on 'how to combat procrastination'. They come up with elaborate plans for you, steps to take, and ways to improve, but honestly, if someone is a procrastinator, they will put off making that list, and taking those steps, would they not? After all to procrastinate means: 'to put off till another day or time; defer; delay.' Why would making a list be accomplished any sooner than my studying?

What is the moral of my madness? I'm a procrastinator, I hate studying, and I hate tests. I guess there is a connection with all of these things, especially if you backtrack. Tests = Fear + Studying = Severe dislike + Procrastinating = Temporary escape. Logical.

I doubt I will ever be cured of procrastination, but I can only hope that the tests will not suffer in points as a result.

I seem to have derailed from my opening remarks. I was referring to time flying and standing still at the beginning if you recall after that rampage. Basically, I'd love to have a fast-forward button on my life that I could press right now, and simply bypass the upcoming exams. I'd only miss two days of my life...I could do without.

A night of pleasant sleep that doesn't include nightmares of failure; days that are void of drug names being repeated ad nauseam, and a general sense of peace are things that I look forward to in the very near future.

But then again, if life were simple and stress free, why would I have reason to vociferate on such a subject?

Happiness needs sadness.
Success needs failure.
Benevolence needs evil.
Love needs hatred.
Victory needs defeat.
Pleasure needs pain.

You must experience and accept the extremes. Because if the contrast is lost, you lose appreciation; and when you lose appreciation, you lose the value of everything.

- Philippos